How To Prepare for a New Puppy
ANTIC, March, 2001
+ Pour cold apple juice on the carpet in several
places and walk around barefoot in the dark.
+ Wear a sock to work that has had the toes shredded
in a blender.
+ Immediately upon waking, stand outside in the
rain and dark saying, "Be a good puppy, go potty now - hurry up - come on - let's go!"
+ Cover all your best suits with dog hair. Dark
suits must use white hair and light suits must use dark hair. Also float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning.
+ Play "catch" with a wet tennis ball.
+ Run out in the snow in your bare feet to close
+ Tip over a basket of clean laundry, scatter
clothing all over the floor.
+ Leave your underwear on the living room floor,
because that's where the dog will drag it anyway. (Especially when you have company.)
+ Jump out of your chair shortly before the end
of your favorite TV program and run to the door shouting, "No, no! Do that OUTSIDE!"
+ Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the morning
and don't try to clean it up until you return from work that evening.
+ Gouge the leg of the dining room table several
times with a screwdriver - it's going to get chewed on anyway.
+ Take a warm and cuddly blanket out of the dryer
and immediately wrap it around yourself. This is the feeling you will get when your puppy falls asleep on your lap.